THE PHOTOGRAPHY DICTIONARY



AL’s BROOKLYN DIGITAL
PHOTOGRAPHIC DICTIONARY

New Digital cameras, new photo processes, new writers who blog you to death, new forum gurus and new words, the written and spoken photographic language is traveling at the same rate the manufacturers are bringing out new products.  Sometimes faster than Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian can take their clothes off.  

We are in a space time continuum as Data on Star Trek realized.  The Fourth Dimension.  Your brains are obsolete the minute you think a thought.  Now bear in mind these are not technical terms but are made for everyday common lexicon based communication for the simplification and mutual understanding, especially noticeable on WEB BLOGS about photography where folks like to use big words to impress. This is pure Brooklyn!


A-B-C
Averision ( Ah-ver-ridge-on)  Thinking the others guys products will make you a better photographer and you have no financial access to the other brand at this time. As used in a sentence "The picture would have been better at the higher ISO had I shot it with the XXXX, but I have an averision to that brand".

Bovine Succulation ( Bo-vie-n Suk-u-lay-chion) The politically correct and accepted retort for those who have taken branding to a new high in their colon. The forum putze’s who will fight to the death their decision to buy the Nikon over the Canon or visa -versa and upon closer inspection you discover these quoters and repeaters of manufacturers selling dribble points never had their camera off  “P” mode.

Bokah (Bo-ka)  A term used to denote a blurry patterned background in pictures taken with fast lenses at wide open apertures. It has several spellings and enunciations and is often confused with Brokaw ( a news anchor) and Borucha (Beginning of a short Jewish prayer) and Broka ( as in when you drop a Pro Nikon or Canon on concrete it usually is broka)

Brandasticizm (br-an-das-ti-sizz-m)  Someone so wrapped in their brand being loud to the point of idiocy and admitting they got divorced so they could sleep with their camera instead of their former mate.

Comapatibility  (ko-mah-patta-bill-ity)  The writer thinks you are in a COMA.  A typical brain-dead portion of a write up that will tell you the new toy works with the old toys.  It is usually seen in new model camera write-ups as all former lenses work with this model EXCEPT and they list the forty that don't.  All you saw if you have comapatibility is " all former lenses work", then the COMA begins.

Crapo-zoidal  (k-rap-o-zoi-dal)  Something that's really bad beyond normal bad and should of been left in a porcelain container.

Crocka-zoidal  (krok-ka-zoi-dal)  Something really bad that when decomposing even a crocodile won't touch it.

Corpo-Guano ( kor-po gu-an-oo The Corporate level crapo-zoidal that appears usually before and after the NAPP, WPI, and the PhotoKino Show.

Canonization ( kan-on-i-ay-shun)  The scared almost religious ritual when a former Nikon owner, listens to the web blogs and forums and annihilates his bank account selling his Nikons and purchasing Canon products.  (see also Nikonismosis)

Chimp Chump  Someone who spends so much time looking at his images he misses all the shots.


D-E-F
Edulation  (
ed-u-lay-shun)  An idiot who hasn't figured out the use of the spell checker yet. In praise one could say "he was highly edulated".

Faux-tographer  ( fo-tog-rap-fir)  People who claim that badly exposed, poorly composed images are good because their horrible image is "art." In actuality, they are just bad photographers who love the fact that they can hide behind an art moniker from learning their craft.

Fartware  (far-t-wear)  This is basically Vaporware, stuff that gets announced with big words and new scientific breakthroughs which usually ends in file 13 or the village dump.  Think of "Fartware" as verbal appeasements so investors don't come out of the ether as in the 

Images - (e-mage-ic)   This was a financial scam from Silicon Valley promising for four years a new Digital one size fits all digital back for their products.  People actually sent them thousands of dollars  as investors.  I coined "Fartware”  because the phrase Vaporware just wasn’t enough.  This was more than vapor, this one really stunk.....  Unfortunately, my phrase got picked-up on the web blogs and forums and everyone else made it part of web vernacular.

Fujiitus (Fu-gee-i-tus)  Similar to Canonization and Nikonismosis, but reactions are more moderate and less violent. Those with Fujiitus often are very respondent in their choice of flowery words and great expression of color.  It seems they do this twice as often as Canonites and Nikonites claiming the Fujiitus is twice as strong.

Farticon (far-tee-con) Those cute little emoticons you see on some websites and forums because people like to hide their real meaning with one of these little faces.  While he's telling you in so many words you should shove your idea in your nether end, and really thinks your idea sucks,  he covers up with a happy face. In the hopes you don't bomb his house.

G-H-I

Gorgazolarized  (gor-gan-zoller-eyes-d) something that makes people go phew, what stinks!

Hypo-typo ( hy-po-typ-oh)  Succulation in it's most blatant form.

Home Bee (Hum Bee)  Any homemade lighting kit.


J-K-L
Lithiumization (
Lith- e-um-I-zay -shun) 
Thinking the latest and the greatest is the bestist. Sometimes even the rabbit gets bested by the proven, reliable and the time tested process called Turtilization albeit slow but does not suffer from Luminization.

Leicaware  (lie-kaka-wear 
Leica's attempt to slow role their NEW DIGITALS back with delays time after time. see also Fartware.

Luminization  suff; EXTREME: (Lumy-i-zay-shun
Extreme luminization is the bright light produced by something on your workbench that has gone up in a bright light usually followed by smoke.  Suff: INCREDIBLE  Incredible luminization occurs when the idiot you are trying to communicate with finally understands your point.  Commonly confused in spelling with illumination which refers to turning on the light switch when you enter a room.

Lemmingitus  (lem-ink-i-tuss)  A group disease when someone on a forum makes a brilliant revelation similar to finding God or some really good peyote.  The disease itself is non serving as most of the idiots endorsing these revelations and welcoming the endorser into the club really need to be in rehab.

M-N-O
Moronisis   (
Mor-ron-i-sisThe art of dealing with morons. Used in a sentence: "He exhibited a great deal of moronisis in dealing with that individual.

Mastibacation (mass-ti-bac-a-shun)  One who goes on and on about how his new camera really improved those teddy bear shots and as soon as his divorce is over he'll spring for that 300mm 2.8 he always wanted. Unfortunately for lack of child support the only pictures he’ll see are the mug shots taken of him.

Nikonismosis  (Ni-con-is-mo-siss)   The scared almost religious ritual when a former Nikon owner, listens to the web blogs and forums and annihilates his bank account selling his Nikons and after purchasing Canon products. This is the second stage where he realizes it wasn’t the cameras problem after all, it was his lousy lack of post processing technique and not understanding light. 


P-Q-R
POOF (Po-oof) "Point of Out of Focus

Pixel Fairy  ( Picks-L  Fair-ree)  The little person that removes all ability to retrieve an image after you have over exposed your image. Once the pixel fairy takes a pixel…you are left with nothing but white.

PAMM  (Photographers Against those Making Money) -This is the group that thinks that they are artists and that their art is more important than their clients or their business. At least on the forums they talk that way.

ParProAm  (Part-time Professional Amateur) Those who spend all their time telling people how great they are as a professional photographer then ten minutes later ask questions because they are an amateur or photographers assistant. This is more a forum term, but we all know them in all aspects of life. "I know it all. Er…how do you turn it on?"

Proto-hype  (pro-toe-hi-pe)  Promises of long awaited scientific breakthroughs that are more than just drawings, they have reached the plastic model stage.  The advanced proto-hype is the plastic model with the sound box removed from  "Talking Elmo".

Rectalize (wreck-tall-eyes)   The end result of long debates and admission that the other party was right and that your thinking was stupid/ and or full of it.  

Repeatists   (re-pee-tis-ts)   One who is gifted enough with cut and paste, the ability to use a lexicon and thesaurus and can copy company advertising and create a web page called a blog.  High level Repeatists have the ability to occasionally create a few unused words and relate to their story to make it appear they actually did write something. formerly they were called simply Plagiarists.


S-T-U
Uncle Joe (unk-l-jo)  Someone who has too much discretionary money and has spent it on his photography hobby thinking that the camera makes the image and skill is no longer required because if 1 out of 1000 images looks good, he is happy. He tries to take up all your time at the wedding.

Uncle Fred (unk-l-fered)  The jackass that shows up at the Wedding after you specifically told the Bride,and had her sign the contract to the effect that there would be no other photographers interfering with the production.  The advantage of having a huge assistant is you can send him or her over and tell Fred where the camera will be placed if he doesn’t sit down and at that point he may not be able to sit down due to the cast he will be wearing.

Sphincterization  (spink-terror-i-zay-chon)  The art of putting fear into words for the purpose of selling your product. Almost everything in advertising today uses a form of sphincterization since all ads start off with a problem.  Luckily their product solves that awful problem. Things like "tired of eggs sticking to the pan", "hey stupid use some butter".

Sardastic  (zar-das-tick)  Carefully chosen words used at a poignant moment in time encapsulating both sarcasm and carefully placed humor, or is it humor and carefully placed sarcasm. The heart and birther of the "Yo Mamma jokes" or what we call Cro-Magon humor.

Succulation (suc-u-lay-chun)  Writers using this technique always praise and get the latest and greatest because negativism doesn’t exist in their world.  Everything they write is “ yo-typo   and their world is as perfect as the products they speak of.  They just suck it up better than the rest of us.  They often appear on the Martha Stewart show since her world is perfect too and as close as that cafe latte` on your desk.

Space-time continuum  (spas-ti-cun-tin-e-um)
Also called the four-dimensional continuum,having three spatial coordinates and one temporal coordinate, in which all physical quantities may be located. see Albert Einstein.



V-W-X-Z

Wopperistic (wopp-er-iz-tick)   "man that's wopperistic" as used in a sentence to acknowledge and then blow-off the other guys last burp of nonsense and he should go back to working at Burger King.

Worm-working (wur-m-wuk-in)  Subtle networking techniques like just shooting events for free and then offering free images with your business card to get your name out.

X (ecks)  A very common letter used at the end of most of the other letters to denote >greater than. In cars it's the LX, the EX and the X followed by a small i.  Cameras too use the "X" to denote brandsmanship like Pentax goes bonkers with little "x's".  In it's most extreme usage it denote the "X", the person you send alimony to each month in lieu of purchasing that new D3X which has an X in it also by coincidence.

Zoophilia (sooo-feeel-yaaa)  Thinking those boring animal shots you carefully stalked in the local zoo will make the front cover of the National Geographic Magazine.

 

AL’s ENCYCLOPEDIA ( Words of Wisdom) 
"Tying the Knot"

There is a suggestion that this expression derives from the nets of knotted string which supported beds prior to the introduction of metal-sprung bedframes. The theory goes that, in order to make a marriage bed, you needed to “ Tie the knot"'. Like much folklore, there’s not a frickin shred of evidence to support this idea. Folklore is a politically correct substitute for flat-out bullshit.

It isn't clear whether this expression derives from an actual knot used in marriage ceremonies or whether the knot is merely symbolic of a lasting unity.  Knots have a place in the folklore of many cultures and usually symbolize unbreakable pledges. Actual knots have certainly been used in marriage ceremonies for some time and the tradition of trying the wrists of the bride and groom with twine continues today in marriages in the use of sashes which are placed over the principal’s wrists. 

Knots have served other purposes too as in domineering sex and hangings.  Knots have also been used in ropes around the neck when the groom got caught with another’s wife.   The word  Knot , although not in the phrase ‘ i.e. the knot', has been associated with marriage since at least the 13th century. 

The Legend of St. Katherine, circa 1225 used the Middle English ‘notte’, that is, 'knot', to mean 'the tie or bond of wedlock; the marriage or wedding knot’ and in Gaelic is "Swa ye cnotte is icnut bituhhen unc tweien.”  Now theres a real tongue twister.

E. and M. A. Radford's The Encyclopedia of Superstitions has it that:  "In the seventeenth century, one or two of the bride-favours were always blue. These were knots of coloured ribbons loosely stitched on to the wedding gown, which were plucked off by the guests at the wedding feast, and worn as luck-bringers in the young men's hats."

The expression was recorded in 1717 by the English poet and diplomat, Matthew Prior. In his humourous poem, Alma; or, The Progress of the Mind he includes:  "So to the priest their case they tell: He ties the knot."

Francis Grose, in his 1811 edition of The Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue listed the 'knot tied with the tongue' with specific reference to marriage.  "He has tied a knot with his tongue, that he cannot untie with his teeth: that is, he is married."

The Jewish tradition, like many others, also has a long history of the use of knots in the marriage ceremony. The Wilmingtonian And Delaware Advertiser, January 1826, reported this item under the banner of 'Miss Rothchild's Marriage’:  "At an early hour on Monday morning, Stomford Hill, the country residence of N. M. Rothschild, Esq. was in a great state of bustle, and most of its inhabitants were on qui vive, waiting the approaching hour when Hymen was to tie the knot of a son and daughter of the house of Judah."